joke

[BuLLiTT]

income tax officer asks prostitute why she describes her employment as 'poulyry farmer'?.She replies "because i raised 500 cock's last year. :twisted:

[Anonymous]

while we are on the subject_
how does a male porn star fill his car?
just before its full he pulls out and sprays petrol all over the car. 8O


and theres more....

a man and woman are having sex when the woman says, " you havnt got aids have you?"
the man replies, " no of course not!"
"good says the woman..i dont want to catch that again" :roll:


and one more for the back seats....

what did Peter Andre do when he came across a snake in the jungle?
he wiped it off and apologised. :P :twisted:

[LeecH]

okay, so this posh lawyer walks into a bar, and asks the barman for a drink. he takes a sip of his drink, and notices an old man mumbling to himself a few feet down the bar. he can't hear what is being said, so he moves a few feet closer. the old man is mumbling "looks like plastic, feels like rubber", and rubbing something between his fingers. for the next few minutes the lawyer sips at his drink until he has the courage to ask the old man what he has. the old man passes it over, and the lawyer rubs it between his fingers saying "yeh, it does look like plastic and it does feel like rubber" after a few seconds of doing this, the lawyer asks "where did you get it?" and the old man replies "out of my nose"

and for seconds...

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

and finally - SWEARING ALERT - THERE IS A (ahem) SMALL AMOUNT OF SWEARING IN THIS JOKE, SO IF EASILY OFFENDED - PLEASE DO NOT READ. there - get-out clause in place, on with the joke...

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.
"Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?" he inquires of one of the waiters.
The waiter is taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can".
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken-fucking manager of this bastard place?"
"Yes sir, I am," replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this restaurant".
"Fuck off" replies the bloke "and where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your cunting piano."
"Ah," replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano.
"Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"That's superb. What's it called?"
"I tried to shag yer missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my dick," replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent," cries the manager, "What's it called?"
"I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads.
The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on.
She's wearing an almost see-through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little G-string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.
The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice.
"Where's that bastard pianist?"
He just has time to relieve himself. In a fluster, he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear,
"Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?"
"Know it" he said, "I fucking wrote it."

lol

l8r people

[BuLLiTT]

i nearly peed me self after them rince & leech

[LeecH]

i have to say, i love the tourettes one

here's a daft one for you - understand though - THIS IS NOT A JOKE - THIS IS A REAL FILE OF LAWSUIT FOR DAMAGES IN THE US.

okay, so this guy is travelling down the freeway in yankee-doodle-dandy-land, in his brand new winnebago (mobile home thingy) when he decides, i know, i'll go have a coffee, so he flicks the cruise control switch and buggers off into the back to make himself a coffee. needless to say seconds later the thing crashed and he SUCCESSFULLY sued the winnebago manufacturer for 1.75 millon dollars because the manual didn't point out that cruise control didn't drive the vehicle for you, and not only that, but he got a brand new winnebago AND forced the manufacturers to recall all the manuals and have them reprinted to include a disclaimer to the effect of "cruise control doesn't drive the vehicle for you"


how thick are yanks !!!!

[trust]

8O :lol: :lol: :lol:


they always have been a bit dumb :roll:

[Anonymous]

aliens think so as well because out of all the countries in the world to attack, they always choose America.
Independance Day, Mars Attacks, V, Predator 2, ET, King Kong...erm..no wait there hes abig monkey aint he.
by the way did any one else used to think that "V" was scary?
i used to spend many a night when i was going through puberty ( memories, sigh ) absolutely cackin me self in terror when one of their faces was ripped off and it was all scaly underneath, and when that woman gave birth to one and it was all green 8O
right ive lost the plot a bit here so yes Americans are a bit thick sometimes.
does anyone remember ......rant,rave,etc,etc :?

[LeecH]

lol

[BuLLiTT]

i used to think lost in space was sooo real,then i bought the boxed set from futureent.the acting [sic] was awful the 'monsters' just men in suits-need i go on....but it was all worth it just to see Penny again!